The King’s Fool

There are not too many dates that I go too, but this one was accidently. I was taking  a trip to Viena and Bratislava when I noticed a group of Brazilian people. I have a ton of stereotipes in my head about them and decided to see if they are true. I was talking with one of them with the greatest smile I have ever seen and I asked him out for a coffee. Their next destination was Budapest, my residence city. It was my first direct contact with the Brazilian culture (besides the telenovelas) and I was so impressed by the atitude and by the energy! I felt like nothing can make this guy sad or angry and I am always curious about these kind of people. Of course like any Brazilian (maybe another pre-conception?) he was very romantic and playful. Our first date went very well and we both had fun, then met some of my friends and went home at 1 am. I was looking forward to see him the next day even if I was aware that this is a date between his traveling, I was ok with that. I was genuinely interested to learn more about him and his country and didn’t consider this a romantic date. The next day he said he is busy with his friends but that I can come along. I was a little bumped but again, I was interested in learning more about him and his culture. So I met the friends, we had a nice time, they were all turists so they made pictures, sang their songs, showed me their dances, told me their believes, and in between all these the Brazilian guy was giving me sweet kisses (by the way, did anyone noticed that they kiss diferently than the europeans? or it is just me) … it was a nice experience! I was prepared to call it done when he invited me over in his town to spend time together, or he can visit me, he can show me the city, let’s keep in touch, add me on your networks… I was more than happy to do that but still reluctant, after my experience with long distance romance. We said good bye in front of the hostel and I went home to dream about him .  A couple of days later and weeks after that I wrote to him just to say hi and to ask how is life, but never got an answer. His friends posted tones of pictures from their trip and none of them were with me, they either selected the ones I made or cut me from the pictures. All these make me believe that I was just the king’s fool for their trip. I was the entertainer, I was aware of that and was fine with this role until he sugesteg we keep in touch further. That moment I left my imaginary hat and started to think and to hope for more, forgetting he lives in another country!
The worst part was that he ruined it for the next Brazilians I will be meeting in my life, I will believe that they are double faced just like this guy, and it is too bad because I really like their spirit. Oh well, I am funny and I am good for a laugh. If it was not for that moment of losing my hat, I would have been happier today.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

Yeah, another strong book but if I ever hear again someone saying that this book is a love story, or meditation on love or a misunderstood romance, I am going to cry!!! Now I read the book, I have the right to contradict all those opinions! This is the story of a rape, pretty much, and not physical rape but also social. To argument my opinion I will tell you more about the story. The novel starts with the plead of the main character - Humbert Humbert, an English man that moved in the US. He is in court for murder and he tells the story, analyses and explains his actions in court. The time of the book is post-war America. Humbert meets Dolores Haze (latter called Lolita) and her mother and starts to have a strong attraction towards Dolores, even if she is only 10. And this is not the first time when he feels this way towards a girl, he has had this situation in the past and studied the girls that aroused him, even found them a special name (I can’t even open the book to look for the term, that much this book is creepy for me). He marries Dolores’s mother and while Lolita is on summer camp, she dies in an accident so Humbert has Dolores all for himself. Humbert doesn’t tell Lolita about the death of his mother but takes her on a road trip. In the hotel, they speak about the camp and she confesses that in the camp she became intimate with a boy and they end up having sex. That is the moment when she finds out that she is an orphan and she is stuck with her step-father/lover. Right after Humbert thought that she will the most loving girl since her mother died, she only has him as a relative and he was not even feeling guilty for the sex, she was not a virgin anymore. But in the contrary, Lolita was cranky, she didn’t behave as a lover since she was just a child!, she avoided the caresses and the intimate relations, so Humbert had to buy his way, he was buying anything she wanted in order for her to “to complete her duties”. The road trip took more than 2 years and then they decided to settle down and live in one place. It was very dificult for Humbert to hide their relation especially since Lolita was going to school and making new friends. The only way Humbert could stop her from running away or telling was psychological pressure, he was telling her that she is an orphan with no money and no place to go… In the end Lolita had a conflict at school and they decide to go on the road again. In the end she manages to run away. Humbert finds her because she wrote to him and asked for money. She is in a poor house, pregnant and engaged with some guy. Humbert decides to forgive her for leaving only if there is a chance for her to come back to him. Lolita is refuses and asks him not to tell her fiance about their past, in this moment Humbert kills her. It is such a sad story, Humbert has destroyed his and her life, he let himself be driven by lust. He didn’t even like her personality, described as clumsy  impolite, but once he looked at her lips her forgot everything. He didn’t allow her to develop as a human being, to have a house, a school, hobbies, she was always watched and kept close, treated like a peace of meat. Even Humbert recognizes that he destroyed her but at the same time, it was Lolita who seduced him, it was Lolita who had no morals. I have to mention that I was seduced by the writing and the style of the book, and also by curiosity, I have learned some lessons from this book. Reading this book is a necessary evil, you have to know about it and you have to be aware. Gosh, I hope I won’t panic around fathers with their daughters, but it might happen.

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

I picked out this book because it is included in the BBC 100 books that everyone should read. The book was amazing and it filled my heart with happiness!!! The characters are well developed, there is mystery, good plot and a grand finale, what else can you ask for? The story line goes around Mary Lennox and her cousin Collin. They are both orphans and under-loved. Mary moves from India in the Misselthwaite Manor mansion. The mansion is half forbidden and the garden is locked because 10 years ago Collin’s mother died in a accident. One night Mary hears someone crying and discovers Collin. He is barely moving or lifting himself from his bed. He was told all his life that he is very sick and close to death and because of it he is depressed and hysterical most of the time. Mary is the one that discovers the key to the locked garden and starts to revive it, together with a local boy, Dickon. Dickon is one of the most important characters in the book and in the development of the other characters. Dickon and the robin-bird!!! Dickon is full of life, pure energy, curiosity and simple kindness that he inspires both Mary and Collin to become healthier and happier. The evolution of Collin is amazing and he starts to walk and run.  Another important character is Dickon’s mother, she is the one that advises Dickon’s actions and helps the children bond. Or course the place were all the activities take place is the secret garden but in my opinion it could be any other place were kids could communicate and play, develop skills and self – confidence, but the garden gave them a sense of magic which was necessary for both of them. Both Mary and Collin have been deprived of the warmth and love of a true family which is the magic place were everyone develops so they needed the magic of the garden. The ending was amazing and it made me smile. I just wished I would have read this book earlier to see an example of consequence when adults and parents are taken by fear. Collin’s father was afraid that he will be crippled, so he made him stay in bed all the time with all the luxuries, instead of providing him a normal life. Gosh, this is how parents mess up their kids and I realized how messed up I am because of parents’s fears… I guess it goes round and round. I will make all my friends read it so that they will be aware what could happen. Absolutely great book!

Exploring Polish literature – Nine by Andrzej Stasiuk

It was a challenge to finish this book. I can definitely give some credit to the author for attention to details and basically it is a descriptive novel, a description of all details around the characters, description of sensations, description the city… I would say that the plot line was confusing just because there were so many random characters that didn’t differentiate from each other very much. I can understand why this book received is so highly appreciate, the author tackled some good ideas but I just felt that the final result could have been better. This book had so much potential and the location was so well described but I felt there was no “glue” to bind together all these elements, they were just random. The cover states: here the author portraits elements of a new generation of Poles, freed from outdated ideologies but left disconnected from family, well, my reaction was, yes, now that you mentioned it, I guess it make sense… I understood the full story after reading the description on the cover: Pawel is a young business man in debt to loan shark. He turns for help to his 2 friends, Bolek and Jasek. And to this I would like to add that nothing clear happens in the end. Pawel still needs help.

Another detail was the translation. The book was initially written in Polish and then translated in English, but some sentences just didn’t make sense and maybe some of the book’s sense was lost. It was my first attempt to read polish literature and I have to say that I’m confused: this book had great reviews on goodreads and it was so difficult to read, I only imagine of those with low rates !

Bridget Jones’s Diary by Helen Fielding

What a funny book! if you have not read this until now, make sure to pick it out from your library on bookstore!
It is the story of a British single woman Bridget Jones, and her struggles with weight, men and career. The book is written in form of a diary as suggested by the title and it starts with the new year’s resolutions made by Bridget. Her mother tries to fix her with a family friend – Marc Darcy (what a name!) Bridget however has a crush on her boss – Daniel and she ends up sleeping with him. Daniel is not interested in a committing relation and is having in affair with another colleague which is discovered by Bridget. In stead of deep apologies, Daniel is informing Bridget and the whole world that he is marrying that work colleague. Deeply humiliated Bridget takes her mother’s advice of changing careers and goes for an interview to a local television. She is hired and with the accidental help of Mark Darcy makes some good articles. Mark and Bridget seem to have a nice time for her birthday when she finds out that her mother is wanted by the police. Again with the help of Mark she gets her mother out of troubles. In the process Mark tells her that he likes her just the way she is and they get together after an accidentally missed date. They have a nice Christmas date followed by a hot night…. the book ends in full circle, after 1 year after the beginning.
My favorite thing about the book is the absolute real language and insights which are written just as one is thinking, no fine tuning was made. This allows you to emphasize with Bridget and listen (actually read) as if she is one of your friends: Good book!

Meeting my Ideal Man – 2

here is the 1st part: Meeting my Ideal Man

Just months before the new year’s eve I am in Budapest, starting a new life and waiting for my ideal man to join me!!!
I had 1 month of peace before crazy starts at work. It was the first time in a long time when I didn’t have to run anywhere or to help anyone, I had this time all for me. I was looking for a good present but couldn’t chose anything because we were never this close for me to actually know what he likes. I started buying supplies and realized that I don’t know if he drinks coffee or just tea, if he eats cereals or pasta, gas water or tapped, cola or sprite? I wanted to ask him all these questions but he was in another trip. And what do people do when they don’t get answers? they panic! He was nowhere to be found. This is not a new situation, because we are in different it passed weeks with no news from him so this is normal. With this free time, I started really analyzing the situation. I was getting confused, what do I really know about this guys, he could have one, two, three girlfriends, he could be married and have 3 kids and I am his female friend that he just talks to occasionally? or he might be lonely and likes to chat with me and no romantic feelings, who knows? I waited for him to get back in touch to plan his trip to Budapest and genuinely, just to speak some more. This never happened. During this month of peace I realized that if he liked me at least a bit, we would have been together a long time ago. He was always aware of where am I in life as a person and he didn’t take a step towards me. He is not restricted by a job, or by his family, he always travels, he could have traveled to my city. During this month only, I realized that he never asked me out on a date. I was thinking that he didn’t do that because I was not at that level when we met. It is the first day of 2013 and he is not here, not even close to come, he has vanished for the moment. He will get back in touch in a couple of weeks and I will be happy to chat with him, as someone that he has obviously considered me to be – his friend.
The bottom line is that he is not interested in me in that way, no matter what my level is and I have finally made peace with that. Coming to this realization has proved to be the best thing that happened to me this past year. If I was motivated by a potential relationship to grow so much, to discipline myself and to learn, I can only imagine what I can obtain once I have more concrete objectives!!!  I have the confidence to plan my future and I see very clear how I can fulfill these plans.
I am somehow grateful for meeting him at that time in my life. I am sure that he doesn’t realize what influence he had on me and how much he helped me. I really got to a different level and being here allows me to see other opportunities of growing and of course, to understand witch opportunities are real and witch are just fantasies I don’t know if this is the desire of improving myself for the ideal man or its the fact that I’m growing up, but I see things better and clearer. I wonder, do all adults clear their minds in a peaceful month????
It sounds silly but this is the absolute truth and I have to be honest, it makes more sens in my head than on the paper . It feels good to write it down because not even my closest friends know about it.
I am confident about my future now knowing how well disciplined and motivated I can be. You just wait and see, world, you just wait and see

Meeting my Ideal Man

Dear Friends, let me share with you how I met my ideal man. At 21 I met a very nice young man, he was the ideal man for me, very smart, very nice body and well educated. It was a cultural shock for me to discover this man’s mind and presence. He worked for a public institution in my city so he had a suit on and after work he had the simplest t-shirt, as I said, the ideal man!!! We became friends and shortly I became obsessed with him. I was so in love that I would follow him everywhere and made sure to join him in all his trips. Shortly his internship was over and he went on to another country, doing another internship. I was not sad that he left because I knew that at that stage of my life, I was not ready or willing to wear all Lacoste and eat with a fork and a knife. I was at the stage when I was working as a waitress to support myself and was eating while rushing to class or work. So I thought to myself: you are not at his level at the moment, once time will pass and things will get better, how knows??? maybe it will happen. Because we kept in touch this feeling got even stronger. I thought to myself that if I really want to get to this guy’s level, I should work on myself. Here the English lessons started, better grades, and instead of working in a bar I applied for a position at an embassy, and then at an international consultancy company. I started being very socially active, got involved in NGOs, charity activities, international projects, conferences and business trips, reading like crazy, writing and publishing articles … I was always looking to meet more interesting and important people so that I could cultivate myself. When the time comes I want to meet him again and take his breath away! Every decision that I made was based on: would his girlfriend (but I was thinking wife) settle for this level or she would push more and get better results??? Every event that I attended was based on the same logic: is this event interesting enough for his wife? Every peace of clothing or jewel was carefully researched and selected on the same criteria.  Basically, I dragged my ass from a world of waiting tables to an international business environment and I enjoyed every moment of it!!! I became an elegant girl and at the same time I could relax and just go out for a beer. I was doing all these thinking that I have all the potential of making it in this world and getting my ideal man. We kept in touch and he always knew about my activities and was genuine happy for me, happy and proud. I was thinking to myself that the magic day is coming and 2 years of hard work on myself will pay out. We kept in touch even if we constantly moved and lived in other countries.
During the Autumn we agreed to spend the new year’s eve together in Budapest, since it is very close to his country. From the conversation I felt that he is on the same page as me, this would mean more that a visit to Budapest, this would mean another try for us as a couple. This time I had all the cards in my sleeve!!!

to be continue at Meeting my Ideal Man – 2

I feel excited about my life and i really like it!

Time heals nothing, its what you do during that time that counts, its how you feel and what transformation happen to you is the most important.

Dear friends, Budapest is an amazing city!!! it has greatness and a historic
atmosphere that is amazing, especially during the winter with all the lights and
snow. I don’t know if this is just the adrenaline of just moving here or if this will last for a while, but I really hope it will !!!

Another interesting aspect is the discovering of people, it is amazing how different people are, compared to what I was told about them or compared to the stereotypes i know about their nation/region…

I am away from my family for the holidays but I try to stay positive, to focus on new things and new people!

In simple words, I feel excited about my life and i really like it!

It might sun but I just don’t see it

I recently received a job offer in another country and I accepted it with no reserves. I do not know why but I am not happy where I live now. Everybody keeps showing me that I have all the possible conditions to be very happy and still I’m not. I have my own place, I make good money for witch I work hard and still I can’t feel any enjoyment. I was thinking that this could be because I was single but I was dating someone and it didn’t make me feel any better. It is like everybody keeps pointing to the sun and I can’t see or feel it. It is the holidays season and I’m running from what I call now “my home” with no remorse.
Before leaving I made the usual steps: farewell party and making my boss very angry with this decision, he said that anyone with half of brain would see that this is a bad choice! I organised 2 parties: for my ex-colleagues and for my friends. At the first one only 1 person showed up and at the second – 4. I appreciate their efforts with all my hearth since the weather was terrible but this again proves my point: I’m not happy here, I don’t even have friends.
The move is very very sudden and I have to leave tomorrow morning. I was very lucky to find a place to stay, I received some important documents, managed to rent my own apartment and clarified all possible issues. I feel like faith is telling me that this is a good leave. I hope that this will be true and that in this new country I will find whatever it is missing from my life.
I read a book about a Russian girl that dreamed that she will see the sea. She felt that she will not be happy until this happens. When she grew up that was the only thing on her mind: to see the sea. When she finally reached it, by the seashore she was stabbed by some drunk sailors… I am just afraid that some random people will kill my hope that some other place will be different. The only different thing  is that I’m only half Russian and half Romanian so I believe that it doesn’t apply to me
I am writing now from the center of my pity party were the only guest that arrived is me and the only reason why I am posting this is because I’m tipsy and probably will delete it tomorrow.
I hope to write soon with the very first impression of Budapest, this is where I’m moving. Since I’m so self-centered I wanted to write about my fears and not about the city of witch I know frankly nothing, yet

The Beauty Stealers by Pascal Bruckner

I read this book in a few hours! The Beauty Stealers  (original name Les Voleurs de Beauté, published in 1996) by Pascal Bruckner is an original and rough book, which presents the game of power between women and men, and most of all, the game of power between beautiful and ugly. The idea is extremely new (at least to me), it is strange, pessimistic, violent and sometimes just scary and the writing style is definitely french.

The novel is structured on 2 main stories: Helene & Benjamin’s story and Mathilde & Ferdinand’s. In the first couple, Helene is the one who has all the control and in the second one – the dominant one is Ferdinand.
The story line is amazing twisted: Benjamin meets Mathilde at the hospital, where she is the psychiatrist on call. He reveals his sad story of how he meat 3 awful people; they believed that beauty is a capital crime and did their best to eradicate it. They would hold beautiful girls in their basement for up to 2 years, until they became scared and mentally traumatized, then just release them to live as an ugly person. He is forced to help them retain other beautiful girls as they have Helene hostage. Mathilde just broke up with Ferdinand, she got tired of his erotic cravings, She herd story and was convinced by the idea that she should also be sacrificed because she was beautiful. At this point the story twists again and the ending is quite unexpected.
I felt that the book doesn’t have the classic positive/negative characters structure. All the heroes did awful things, or were witnessing awful things and did nothing, this makes me believe that this book has only anti-heroes. I couldn’t pick any favorites or someone to relate to, only cowards and crazy people in this book!
None of them tried to fight the obstacles they meat, none of them had any power or initiative. They struggled a little and then just accepted what was happening to them.
This book made me mad sooo many times: it reflects what a disturbed view has society towards beauty, life, family, dignity and career. People that are obsessed with the idea of getting old and losing the only things that made them special: physical beauty.
There is no place for love in this book. If it exists it’s just lust or it’s only a game of power or just a coincidence because the character didn’t have another object to reflect his/her influence.
Nobody has any principles: Mathilde mocks her patients in her mind, Benjamin copies all the lines of his book from dead authors, the Steiner family believes it is not fair that they’re old and other girls are beautiful and young… It pains me to think that this book is a reflection of our times .
I definitely recommend this book, it is strange, the writing style is close to french lethargic and the plot is very interesting!